Joys and Anxieties of a Mummy.

Every parent is obsessed with firsts because its nice after all the months of limited animation for your baby to progress, and once they start, an infants' firsts, by their very nature are constant.

As a stay at home mum my sole job is to take care of my baby, entertain, feed, stimulate, develop, educate, same as any parent regardless of employment status, difference is the pressure I feel for my baby to perform as she gets 1 to 1 all day from me, I feel it's my total responsibility. So I do feel all the firsts as being a personal achievement, this probably also comes from my lack of stimulation in the workplace that other parents obviously get from working.

The amount of firsts this week has been bumper, she has lost hours sticking magnets to the fridge, to each other and back on the fridge via the front room. I showed her this only yesterday at stay and play and she has gone mad for it. Day before was putting blocks one on top of the other, I kept building them, she knocked them down - quite violently actually, I thought she had a real issue with building! But we sat and played and took them out of the truck and put them back in and suddenly it clicked, she built the blocks, one on top of the other. Fab, I was so proud! Then she knocked them over.

Sat in a waiting room on Tues I gave her rice cakes to keep her occupied. After having read her books several times over, recited rhymes to ad nauseum and when her walking direction could no longer be controlled, out came the snacks - never fails. I got her teddy and started to 'feed' De Li (a pink character from Waybuloo), she copied and now all her bears get to share her snacks. Its so cute.

Walking backwards was her new thing yesterday and today rubbing her tummy to show she is enjoying food she does with a nice little grin on her face all smug! Waving has been a hard one, wave hello, wave bye bye, how confusing, but she got it, and now most people round our area have been waved at!  She waves bye bye to the house as we leave, her cot as we leave her bedroom, the toys, everything. Gorgeous.

I have struggled a bit with being a 'homemaker', found it hard to ignore comments about my wasted career and any foundations I have made. The patronising but trying to be sweet 'you don't go out much though anyway so you'll manage', as they question my fanancial situation. I find myself making excuses of 'I worked too far away', 'the Far East travel wasn't manageable with a baby at home, it's too demanding', etc. etc. as they say 'I couldn't do it, I've always worked', as if I haven't.

Fact is we all have our different ways of looking at things and you can argue each side. I cast no judgement on anyone, but feel judged by all. But since I know my faults, main ones being that I always was uptight and always take things to heart, this is nothing new.

But forgetting the doubts, the judgements (which may or may not be in my head), while the rest of the world is working, I am able to slope on back to bed with my baby during the day for cuddles and snoozes, and that is well worth the pressures and anxiety of any issues my head comes up with.